


domingo en fuego (i think i lost my halo)

by lavab0y



Category: Twenty One Pilots, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Band Fic, F/M, Female Jimin, M/M, Other, SO GAY, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, good shit, trans boy yoongi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-21
Updated: 2015-12-21
Packaged: 2018-05-08 05:40:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5485676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lavab0y/pseuds/lavab0y
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Taehyung, who loves Jeongguk like he's never been loved before.<br/>Jeongguk, who's terrified out of his mind.</p><p>-</p><p>Or, Taehyung and Jeongguk are in love and everyone else is just along for the ride.</p>
            </blockquote>





	domingo en fuego (i think i lost my halo)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



> this fic has been in the works for ages and i'd like to give a special thank you to kit and bri, especially kit, who has read every part of this fic so far and has helped me when i had literally no ideas so THANK YOU
> 
> also, this fic is very close to my heart as tøp and bangtan are my two favorite bands, so please give this a lot of love :)))
> 
> (if it's not obvious, guk is tyler joseph and tae is josh dun)

Jeongguk has been doing this on his own so long that it feels like a dream every time he sees Taehyung beside him.

He's used to the ache in his fingertips from writing songs in his little black notepad instead of talking to people around him. He's used to going to shady recording booths that cost $25 an hour and make his voice sound like it's coming through about 3 panes of glass. He's used to holing up in his room with the curtains drawn, fighting demons that no one else could see and drowning out voices no one else could hear. He was even semi-good at it, too.

But then Taehyung came along and ruined all that.

Taehyung, with his willingness to smile all the time, even when he's not feeling well (especially then). Taehyung, with his muscle tees and lean frame and wacky hair colors and glowing tan skin. Taehyung, and the way his eyes crinkle up when he laughs. Taehyung, and the way he lives and breathes Jeongguk's dream, even though it's not his own. Taehyung listens to all his theories, and doesn't tell Jeongguk to scrap the completely useless lyrics he writes when he's drunk, or high, or both. Who shows Jeongguk things he's never even dreamed of are possible. Who listens, and holds entire worlds on his back. Who holds Jeongguk when it's night and the darker parts of himself surface.

Taehyung, who loves Jeongguk like he's never been loved before.

Jeongguk, who's terrified out of his mind.

-

_Jeongguk is running hard, so fast that he thinks there must be something that's chasing him but he can't risk turning around to look. He trips on something - a stray root, maybe - and scrambles to get back up. The thing is gaining now, and Jeongguk can feel it's breath on his neck; the movement of the air as it reaches out to catch him-_

"Wake up, wake up, wake the fuck up!" Jeongguk wakes up to Hoseok's frantic voice in his ear and the smell of refried beans in his nose. God bless Taco Bell. "We have to pack up and get on the road so we can make it to Philly in time _wake up_!" Jeongguk rolls over and checks his phone's clock and shoots up immediately, yanking on a random pair of black jeans and the first faded band shirt his hand touches. Taehyung pops his head into Jeongguk's bunk as he's looking at his reflection in his phone and trying to tame his bedhead.

"Oh good, you're awake!" Taehyung flops down on Jeongguk's legs and makes grabby hands for the bag of food resting near the younger's shoulder, unlocking his phone and answering a text. Probably from Jimin, Jeongguk thinks. "You okay?"

 _Not really,_ Jeongguk wants to say. _I've been having the same nightmare for the past week and a half._ He groans out a "yeah" as he stretches, and if he was looking, he would see the way Taehyung's pupils darken and widen at the strip of skin exposed where his t-shirt rides up. He's not looking.

"Hoseokie-hyung is losing his shit; I think Jaebum-hyung's gonna crack and just tie him down so he'll stop pacing in the flounge." Taehyung sits up again, offering a hand to Jeongguk, who takes it gratefully. He doesn't quite have control over his limbs at this early in the morning and it's hard to stand up when you can't feel your knees. Taehyung doesn't let go of Jeongguk's hand and the singer doesn't realize it until they're back on the road. Jeongguk thinks about how warm the drummer's hand felt; he wonders if the jolt in his spine when Taehyung's fingers laced with his was a fluke.

-

Jeongguk sits on his bed in he and Taehyung's hotel room and looks over the setlist he and Taehyung had chosen last week, subconsciously cringing when he sees Screen listed as the fifth song. He'd written the song for someone else (He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named, Hoseok calls him), but now whenever he plays it he only sees Taehyung's face behind his eyelids and it's driving him mad. He wants to tell someone about it; ask why he can feel his heart lift when the elder comes into the room. Too bad the person he'd normally talk to is the subject of confusion. Jeongguk knocks on Hoseok's door - the next best person - and waits for the photographer to open the door.

"Hey Gukkie, come in," Hoseok smiles at Jeongguk before gesturing for him to enter, turning away to sit on the edge of his bed. Hoseok's smile doesn't quite reach his eyes and Jeongguk fights off the sick feeling in his stomach when he thinks about how much his stage manager/photographer works. He never feels like he can communicate to Hoseok how much he appreciates him, so he just settles for an "Are you okay, hyung?"

"Yeah, hyung's fine," Hoseok says, and his smile touches his eyes this time. Jeongguk lets out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding and sits down on the bed next to Hoseok, just close enough that their elbows bump. He breathes out a long sigh and tries not to sound as emo as he feels.

"Hyung, let's say I hypothetically maybe had a crush on this friend of mine," Jeongguk starts, practically blurting out the words and bracing for Hoseok's reaction. The elder stays silent, just nodding in confirmation and motioning for Jeongguk to continue. "And let's say this person is beautiful, like sunlight and rainbows and unicorn shit. Everyone thinks so. So obviously, they have a girlfriend-"

"Okay, but do you know for sure?"

Jeongguk pauses. "What do you mean?"

"Well, assuming anything isn't a good idea. Maybe they like you, too, Jeongguk-ah," Hoseok says, with fervor, clasping his hands together. The corner of Jeongguk's lips quirk up slightly, before melting into something significantly sadder.

"That's never worked out quite well for me before, hyung."

-

The problem with Jeongguk and Suwoong's relationship is that Jeongguk loved Suwoong more. Also, Suwoong was cheating on Jeongguk.

They'd met through some mutual friend - probably Namjoon, that kid knows everybody - and hit it off so well that Taehyung couldn't help but feel a bit wary. But Jeongguk was light around Suwoong, feeding off the elder's every move, relishing every look the lavender-haired boy casted his way. Jeongguk could hardly talk about anything else; it was always 'Suwoong this, Suwoong that'.

But slowly, Suwoong stopped saying anything at all. He started going out without Jeongguk, hitting up obscure clubs that none of Taehyung or the others had ever heard of, and Yoongi knows every bar in Seoul. He started coming home smelling different, wearing a look on his face that Jeongguk had never seen before, and one that Taehyung had seen too many times.

He was chasing a high, and he'd built up a tolerance to Jeongguk.

When they broke up, Jeongguk deleted every single photo of Suwoong from his phone and every single memory of Suwoong from his mind. But sometimes things still slip through the cracks, like the way his smile tasted and the smell of his hair, damp after washing it. It took months, but Jeongguk got better. Used all that pain and heartbreak and betrayal to write what felt like hundreds of songs (92, Taehyung counted). They put out an album. Jeongguk erased the taste of Suwoong's smile from his tongue. And Taehyung made a vow to never doubt his instincts ever again, because Jeongguk's heart wouldn't be able to take it next time.

-

"That crowd was electric, right, Jeongguk-ah?" Taehyung smiles as he walks backwards to the bus, his eyes disappearing into crescents. He has long eyelashes, Jeongguk notes. "Yah, Jeonggukie! Are you listening to your hyung?" Taehyung mock-scolds, his bottom lip jutting out in a pout. Jeongguk can't help but laugh at his hyung's puppy dog face.

"Sorry, hyung. I was just thinking about dinner," Jeongguk apologizes, ruffling the elder's hair and half-smiling as he scoots past him in the hallway, jogging a bit to reach the tour bus doors. The lie doesn't sit quite right in his stomach.

 _But technically it wasn't a lie_ , Jeongguk placates himself, hoping to ease the weird feeling behind his abdomen. He had been thinking, but not about food. Taehyung was right; the crowd had been electric tonight. They'd played 3 high energy songs right from the get-go, and the kids loved those just as much as usual - Car Radio’s a crowd pleaser. But it was when they'd slowed it down, played a couple "old songs" (Jeongguk still thinks that's weird to say) like Glowing Eyes and Kitchen Sink, that the energy seemed to build in a way Jeongguk had never felt from any crowd before. It was a silent kind of acknowledgement, and even though everyone was screaming the lyrics, it didn't feel loud. When Jeongguk fingered the first few notes of Can't Help Falling In Love, it really quieted down. Taehyung had just been sitting off to the side, and Jeongguk could see the drummer swaying back and forth in his peripheral vision as he sang.

It felt so weird to sing a song that he'd covered for the first time for someone that he wasn't with anymore. He'd written so many songs for Suwoong and covered even more, half-mumbling old ballads in his sleep (according to Hoseok). But Jeongguk was hit with the even weirder feeling of not minding at all, especially when he looked at Taehyung's soft smile and closed eyes as the elder sat and listened to the music in silence, just enjoying Jeongguk's voice. It felt better than singing had felt to him in years. He makes music to help people and help himself, but he can't remember the last time he's sang for the pure joy of seeing someone really listen.

Jeongguk curls up in bed that night and tries not to think about what that means either.

 

The next morning is hell; Hoseok has found an app that plays country music as an alarm and obviously has no qualms about using it if Carrie Underwood’s voice blaring in his ear is any indication. Jeongguk can't be too mad, though, because his hyung bought decent instant coffee this time that only vaguely tastes like chemicals. He's up early, which means that in regular human times, it's almost 7:00 pm and Echosmith is about to start soundchecking. If he was being honest, Jeongguk feels like he and Taehyung should be opening for Echosmith. Their sound is similar to Twenty One Pilots' in the way that no song ever sounds the same, and Jeongguk can't help but look up to his hyungs - even tiny Yoongi-hyung, who's at least a foot shorter than him.

He takes a taxi and makes it to the venue just in time to see them begin soundchecking, Seokjin's bass cello almost dwarfing him as he tunes it while talking to Namjoon. It's more yelling than talking, because Namjoon's managed to untune all of the instruments again.

"How do you do this without even trying? It was perfectly tuned last night," Seokjin mutters underneath his breath, occasionally plucking at the strings of his bass to test it. He doesn't like using an electric tuner because it apparently "distorts the sound, you know?". Jeongguk thinks he needs to spend less time around Namjoon.

"I said I was sorry, hyung," Namjoon hovers near Seokjin, his hands fluttering uselessly by his sides. "I'll just...go over there," the guitarist mumbles, retreating to his vintage acoustic Gibson he calls Claudia, polishing her and replacing her broken strings for the 5th time this month. Jeongguk looks around for his smallest hyung, but can't spot him anywhere. Maybe he's sleeping?

"Hey, hyung, have you seen Yoongi-hyung?" Jeongguk calls to Namjoon. Disturbing Seokjin at a time like this would be severely unwise. Namjoon pauses in his work, turning to greet Jeongguk.

"Hey, Jeongguk-ah. I think he’s is backstage? But he might have company so knock-" Jeongguk leaves before Namjoon can finish his sentence, making his way towards the back of the venue. He needs a second opinion on what he told Hoseok because he can't mess this up, not a second time. He's not going to ruin the relationship he has with one of the most important people in his life besides his family if it's not absolutely necessary.

"Thanks, hyung!" Jeongguk calls over his shoulder. He didn't hear what Namjoon said towards the end, but it couldn't be too important. Jeongguk tries three dressing rooms before coming to the last one. It's locked, and he knocks loudly 3 times until he hears shuffling and whispers as someone comes to answer the door.

"What do you want, brat?" Yoongi answers the door with his hair disheveled and his top four buttons undone, the top of his black binder exposed and crooked. He's clearly blocking the rest of the doorway so that Jeongguk can't see who else is in the room, but Jeongguk cranes his head anyway and spots a flash of red hair. He ignores his hyung's question and pushes around the elder boy, who splutters in protest but isn't strong enough to keep him out.

"Jimin-ah, is that you?" Jeongguk tries to keep the smirk out of his voice (not really) and fails miserably. His hyung is finally getting laid, which means that Jimin can't be with Taehyung. Not that that's the most important part. Merely a bonus.

"Jeon Jeongguk! I am your noona! I deserve-" Jeongguk cuts her off with a hug and kiss to the top her head, sneaking in a ruffle at her hair at the end. Jimin flinches and fixes her shoulder length red hair back into place, huffing about disrespectful maknaes under her breath.

"Hi, noona. So you and Yoongi-hyung are fucking?" Jeongguk doesn't bother to hold back the smirk in his tone this time.

"Yah!" the couple protests at the same time, red spilling into their cheeks, making their faces almost match Jimin's hair. Jeongguk barely holds back a laugh; they're practically dating themselves.

"What do you even want, Gukkie?" Jimin whines, puffing out her cheeks in a pout. Cute, Jeongguk thinks. Just like Taehyung.

"I actually have to talk to you, hyung. I need some...advice," Jeongguk's voice dies on the word advice; it's bad enough to admit it to himself, but Jimin will never let him live this down.

"The great Jeon Jeongguk needs advice from Yoongi? Have I stumbled into an alternate reality?" Jimin predictably snorts, brushing a tendril of firetruck red out of her face. "I never thought I'd see the day."

Luckily, Yoongi seems to notice that Jeongguk is being serious. "Jiminie," he warns, and Jimin pouts again before exiting the room, making sure to slam it. Yoongi sighs deeply and Jeongguk wonders again if his hyung is okay. "What's wrong, Jeongguk-ah?"

Yoongi takes a seat on the old couch against the wall, motioning for Jeongguk to join him. The younger does so, figeting nervously and Jeongguk takes a deep breath in and pushes his words out on the exhale.

“I think I’m in love with Taehyung.”

Jeongguk bites his lip, playing with the carefully made rips in his jeans. He knows his hyung won’t be homophobic or anything (how hypocritical would that be?), but he’s still inexplicably nervous. He doesn’t know what to think of anything lately, especially his confusing and overwhelming feelings for Taehyung. What does it mean when someone’s smile makes your whole day brighter? What does it mean when you want to sleep with them and just sleep? What does it mean when they’re the first thing you think of when you wake up and the last thing you think of when you go to bed? _What does it mean when Taehyung’s laugh makes me feel more alive than I have in years?_

Jeongguk voices as much, and Yoongi hums thoughtfully before pushing Jeongguk, hard. Hard enough that he flies off the old, smelly couch, and onto the equally old and smelly carpet. “What the hell, hyung?” He landed on his shoulder when he fell and there’s sure to be a pretty bruise there by tomorrow.

“How’d that feel, Jeongguk?” Yoongi drawls, shifting so that he can lay out over the entire couch and crossing his legs.

“Painful, god! Fuck’s sake, hyung,” Jeongguk can’t be bothered to sit up so he stretches out, burrowing into the carpet like a starfish and looking at the waterstained ceiling. The pain in his shoulder throbs distantly.

“So why didn’t you stop yourself from falling?” Yoongi says, already half asleep, and damn it, Seokjin hyung will kill them all if Yoongi is late to soundcheck.

“I couldn’t. It was too fast. One second I was on the couch and the next I wasn’t. What’s the point of this, hyung, we should just go to soundcheck-”

Yoongi interrupts, a note of something decidedly soft that Jeongguk can’t place coloring his voice. “That’s what love is like, Jeongguk-ah. One minute you’re safe and alone, and the next you’re surrounded by it. And sometimes you get hurt. Hell, most of the time you get hurt. The best thing to do is just accept it and treat your bruises.” Jeongguk looks up in time to catch Yoongi’s sleepy smile. “Or better yet, find someone else to do it for you.” 

Later, when he’s starfished on his bunk on the bus instead of the threadbare carpet of the green room, he’s able to place the emotion in Yoongi’s voice.

 _Love,_ Jeongguk realizes with a start, _Yoongi-hyung sounded in love._

-

After his talk with Yoongi, it doesn’t take Jeongguk too long to figure out the obvious: that he’s irrevocably in love with Taehyung. The hard part is deciding what to do about it. Does he confess to the drummer? Does he subtly hint his feelings? Does he pretend they don’t exist and go on like before? Jeongguk can’t decide, and so he finds himself doing what he does best – ignoring his feelings in the hope that they go away.

And it works for a little while. The tour goes by uneventfully; the fans in every state are wonderful and scream his lyrics about unrequited love and not knowing yourself and feeling alone in a crowded room back to him. Not for the first time, it makes him sad to see so many kids struggling with what he still fights with every day. That crushing sense of loneliness that corrodes you from the inside out and makes you feel paper thin. He hopes to God, if there is such a thing, that he can be what Taehyung is to him: the air in his lungs that reminds him that he’s allowed to breathe.

But as all good things do, the tour must end. The last five shows are spaced out considerably instead of being every other night like the rest of the gigs, and the whole crew is visibly coiled less tightly. Everyone except for Jeongguk. He’s finally (“Finally!” Hoseok cried, so relieved that he could report to the higher ups that the new album was in the works and not blatantly about it) hit his writing stride and feels more tightly wound than ever. Every waking moment is spent with his trusty black leather notebook (a gift from Suwoong, the only one he hadn’t thrown out), forcing the words in his brain through his pen and onto the page, like an electrical current that will shock him if he stops. The lyrics have been considerably less dark than last album but still profound, according to Taehyung.

 _If you only knew that they’re all about you,_ Jeongguk thinks with a bitter taste in his mouth. _Every single one._

The last day of the tour, Jeongguk finishes two songs for the new album and performs both of them to a hometown crowd that eats up every word. He can't help but wonder what would happen if he sang them to Taehyung instead.


End file.
